just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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