and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
