I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
