I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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