I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
