The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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