I think I died a long time ago.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
