My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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