Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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