well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
