I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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