i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
