There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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