I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
