I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Someone signed my nipple.
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