im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
COCAINE IS GR8
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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