My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
