apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
