my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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