i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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