I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
