does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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