I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
His nipple licking is glorious
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