She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
