I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I just gift wrapped bread.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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