this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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