He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
oh god was she eating orange peels again
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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