remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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