Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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