i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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