Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
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Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
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Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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