tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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