oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
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And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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