I can tuck mytits in my pants
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
two words: eviction party
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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