I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
found the other keg... it's in the tree
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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