how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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