you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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