first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
