new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
