Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
