I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
