listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
