hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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