So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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