Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
