I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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