I want to have your abortion
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
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