Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
