Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
