how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
