I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
