My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Randomize
