today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
