While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
