did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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