Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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