life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My Higher Power is John Stamos
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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