Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Randomize
